From Shame to Freedom: A Sexologist's Guide to Understanding Your Sexual Fantasies

I remember sitting in graduate school working on my dissertation about sexuality—literally researching how shame operates around sexuality—while secretly wondering if I was normal for the thoughts in my head.

The fantasies I had. The desires I'd never said out loud. The curiosities that felt too intense, too specific, too "much."

Even as I was studying stigma, understanding how shame gets internalized, analyzing the research... I still wondered if maybe I was the exception. The one person whose fantasies meant something was wrong.

That's how powerful shame is.

And if you're reading this thinking, "She's talking about me"—you're not alone. Not even close.

The Secret Everyone Keeps (But Shouldn't)

Here's what the research tells us: almost everyone—between 97 and 98 percent of people—reports having sexual fantasies (Lehmiller, 2018). Nearly everyone. Your neighbor. Your colleague. That woman at yoga who seems to have it all together. The person sitting next to you on the subway.

We're all fantasizing. We're just not talking about it.

And that silence? That's where shame lives.

In my experience, I've heard the same whispered confession more times than I can count: "I have these thoughts... and I'm afraid they mean I'm not normal."

Let me be clear: You are normal.

Those fantasies in your head—the ones you've never told anyone, the desires that make you blush even thinking about them—they're not evidence of dysfunction. They're evidence of a healthy, functioning sexual imagination.

What Science Actually Says About Your Fantasies

The research on sexual fantasies reveals something remarkable: what you think makes you "weird" or "abnormal" is actually surprisingly common.

A 2015 study of over 1,040 adults found that fantasies shared by more than 50 percent of both men and women include having sex in public and being sexually dominated (Joyal, Cossette, & Lapierre, 2015). Everything else? Far more common than you'd imagine.

That fantasy you've been ashamed of? Chances are, millions of other women have had it too.

Research shows that 62 percent of women have had fantasies about forced sex scenarios (Bivona & Critelli, 2009)—and before you spiral into worry about what that means, understand this: these fantasies bear no resemblance to actual assault. In fantasy, you control every element. The scenario, the outcome, even who the person is. When women describe these fantasies as erotic, the imagined partner is always highly attractive or desirable.

The fantasy isn't about violence. It's about feeling so desirable that someone loses control. It's about being wanted. Pursued. Irresistible.

Why We Actually Have Sexual Fantasies

Sexual fantasies aren't random noise in our heads. They serve real psychological purposes.

Research shows that sexual fantasies are therapeutic in that they help people cope with current psychological needs (Lehmiller, 2018). Think about that. Your fantasies aren't problems to solve—they're your mind's way of meeting needs.

A study found that group sex fantasies are linked to a desire to feel sexually competent and irresistible, while those who fantasize about BDSM report a greater need to receive approval and feel desired (Lehmiller, 2018).

What does your favorite fantasy say about what you need right now?

• Fantasies about passion and romance? You might be craving emotional connection and feeling loved.
• Fantasies where you're the center of attention? You may need to feel validated and desired.
• Fantasies about dominance or submission? You might be exploring power dynamics or seeking respite from always being in control.

Your fantasies are information. They're telling you something about your psychological and emotional landscape.

The Connection Between Fantasies and Sexual Health

Here's what surprised me most when I dove into the research: people who have the most sexual problems fantasize the least (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995).

Read that again.

Having an active fantasy life isn't a sign of dissatisfaction or deprivation—it's associated with better sexual health, more sexual satisfaction, and deeper intimacy.

Research consistently shows that higher frequency of erotic fantasies and sharing them with partners are associated with higher sexual functioning and satisfaction scores in both women and men (Birnbaum et al., 2019).

The women I work with who are thriving sexually? They have rich fantasy lives. They've learned to explore their desires without shame. They know that fantasizing about something doesn't mean you're going to act on it, just as fantasizing about being a jewel thief doesn't mean you're going to become one.

In my 20 years of helping women with their sexuality in retreats, I've seen this pattern again and again: fantasy is your brain's way of exploring possibilities, reliving pleasure, and creating scenarios that meet psychological needs you can't always fulfill in reality.

When Shame Enters the Picture

So if fantasies are normal, healthy, and nearly universal—why do so many women feel crushing shame about them?

From a young age, individuals are bombarded with messages that dictate what is considered acceptable or taboo in terms of sexual expression, leading to internalized beliefs and attitudes about one's sexuality that foster feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness (Nobre & Pinto-Gouveia, 2008).

We grow up learning that:

• "Good girls" don't think about sex
• Wanting certain things makes you "slutty" or "broken"
• Your fantasies reveal something dark or wrong about you
• Sexual thoughts should be suppressed, not explored

These messages become shame. And shame is particularly powerful because it robs people of accepting sexual pleasure, creating inhibition, insecurities, and isolation (Kyle, 2013).

Shame convinces you that if anyone knew what was in your head, they'd be disgusted. It tells you to hide. To suppress. To believe you're the only one with these "wrong" desires.

But here's what shame doesn't tell you: women who report being less sexually repressed are more likely to have diverse fantasies, more open to fantasy in general, and report higher levels of arousal (Strassberg & Lockerd, 1998).

The problem isn't your fantasies. The problem is the shame we've been taught to feel about them.

What Happens When You Share Your Fantasies

I know what you're thinking: "I could never tell my partner about this."

I understand. The vulnerability feels enormous. What if they judge you? What if it changes how they see you? What if it's too much?

But here's what the research shows: sharing sexual fantasies with your partner is an important technique for fostering intimacy and sparking sexual and emotional connection (Meston & Buss, 2007).

When you share a fantasy—even if it's something you'd never actually want to do—you're saying: "I trust you with the most private part of my sexuality. I believe you can hold this without judgment."

That's profound intimacy.

And the benefits are real. Couples who share fantasies report:

• Increased emotional closeness
• Better sexual satisfaction
• More adventurous sex lives
• Deeper trust and communication

You don't have to share every fantasy. You don't have to act on any of them. But creating space where fantasies can exist without shame? That transforms relationships.

The Midlife Fantasy Awakening

Something fascinating happens as women move through their 40s and 50s.

After years—sometimes decades—of prioritizing children, careers, and partners, many women experience what I call a sexual reawakening. The kids are grown or growing. You have more time. More space. And suddenly, those desires you put on the back burner come roaring back.

Or maybe they've always been there, whispered in the back of your mind, and now you're finally ready to listen.

Research shows that people's interest in sexual novelty, like threesomes, increases until around age 40, stays high until the mid-50s, and then adjusts based on changing needs and life circumstances (Lehmiller, 2018).

Your fantasies may be shifting. Evolving. Becoming more adventurous or more specific. This isn't regression—it's growth.

It's your sexuality saying: "I'm still here. I still matter. And I deserve attention."

From Shame to Freedom: The Path Forward

So how do you move from shame to freedom? How do you go from hiding your fantasies to exploring them?

1. Recognize that you're not alone

The statistics are overwhelming. Your fantasy? Millions of other women have had it. What you think makes you abnormal is, in fact, deeply human.

2. Understand that fantasies don't require action

You don't have to pursue every fantasy. You don't have to make them real. Having a fantasy about something doesn't mean you truly want it to happen—it means your mind is exploring, playing, meeting needs.

3. Challenge the shame messages

When shame tells you that your fantasies are "wrong," ask: "According to whom? Based on what evidence?"

The research says your fantasies are normal. Your sexuality is valid. You're not broken.

4. Create safe spaces to explore

Research confirms that by fostering open and honest dialogue about desires, boundaries, and fantasies, individuals and couples can create a safe and non-judgmental space for intimate exploration (Kleinplatz et al., 2009).

This might mean:

• Journaling about your fantasies privately
• Working with a sexologist who specializes in sexual shame
• Gradually sharing with a trusted partner when you're ready
• Reading about other women's fantasies to normalize your own

5. Reframe fantasies as valuable information

Your fantasies are telling you something. They reveal needs, desires, curiosities. They show you what makes you feel powerful, desired, adventurous, safe.

Listen to them. Not with judgment, but with curiosity.

What I Wish Someone Had Told Me

When I was that graduate student struggling in silence with my own questions about normalcy, I wish someone had told me:

Your fantasies don't make you broken. They make you human.

The desires you're afraid to voice? They're not evidence of dysfunction. They're evidence of a vibrant, alive sexuality that deserves to be explored, not suppressed.

The shame you feel isn't about your fantasies. It's about the messages you've internalized from a culture that's deeply conflicted about women's sexuality.

You deserve expert, kind guidance. You deserve a safe space to explore. You deserve to move from shame to freedom.

The Beginning of Your Journey

Studies show that those who fret over their fantasies have sex less often and enjoy it less, even though the content of their fantasies is no different from those who are guilt-free (Renaud & Byers, 1999).

Let that sink in.

The shame—not the fantasy—is what's keeping you from thriving sexually.

You can have the fantasies you have AND feel confident, empowered, and free. You can explore desires without judgment. You can create the vibrant, exciting sex life you want.

It starts with one decision: to stop letting shame win.

To say, "My sexuality matters. My desires are valid. I deserve to thrive."

Ready to Move From Shame to Freedom?

If you've been carrying sexual shame—if you have fantasies you've never voiced, desires you're afraid to explore, or questions you're too embarrassed to ask—I want you to know: you're not alone, and you're not broken.

I've spent three years guiding women through exactly this journey. From shame to clarity. From hiding to thriving. From suppressing desires to exploring them with confidence.

This Valentine's Week only (Feb 7-14), I'm offering special gift certificates:

🌶️ Fantasy Exploration – $97

One confidential 60-minute session to explore the desires you've kept hidden. This is your safe space to talk about what you've never said out loud—with expert, kind guidance from someone who's been there.

Perfect if you:

• Have fantasies you've never shared with anyone
• Feel shame or confusion about your desires
• Want to understand what your fantasies are telling you
• Are ready to explore without judgment

✨ Sexual Awakening Breakthrough – $197

Two 60-minute sessions using my Awakening Blueprint process to guide you from shame and disconnection to confidence, clarity, and sexual thriving.

Perfect if you:

• Are ready for deeper transformation
• Want to move from surviving to thriving sexually
• Feel disconnected from your body and desires
• Are navigating relationship transitions or life changes

Sessions are:

• Completely confidential
• Conducted remotely via secure video
• Scheduled at your convenience through May 31st
• Delivered with the expertise of a doctorate-level sexologist who understands exactly what you're going through

Valentine's special pricing ends February 14th at midnight.

You've spent enough years hiding. Suppressing. Believing you're broken.

Let's make this the Valentine's that changes everything.

Book Your Session – Valentine's Pricing Ends Feb 14

References

Birnbaum, G. E., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Mizrahi, M., Recanati, M., & Orr, R. (2019). What fantasies can do to your relationship: The effects of sexual fantasies on couple interactions. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 45(3), 461-476.

Bivona, J., & Critelli, J. (2009). The nature of women's rape fantasies: An analysis of prevalence, frequency, and contents. The Journal of Sex Research, 46(1), 33-45.

Joyal, C. C., Cossette, A., & Lapierre, V. (2015). What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy? The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(2), 328-340.

Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarini, D., & Mehak, L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of "great sex." Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1-2), 1-13.

Kyle, S. E. (2013). Identification and treatment of sexual shame: Development of a measurement tool and group therapy protocol. PhD dissertation, University of Minnesota.

Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell me what you want: The science of sexual desire and how it can help you improve your sex life. Boston, MA: Da Capo Press.

Leitenberg, H., & Henning, K. (1995). Sexual fantasy. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 469-496.

Meston, C. M., & Buss, D. M. (2007). Why humans have sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36(4), 477-507.

Nobre, P. J., & Pinto-Gouveia, J. (2008). Cognitive and emotional predictors of female sexual dysfunctions: Preliminary findings. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 34(4), 325-342.

Renaud, C. A., & Byers, E. S. (1999). Exploring the frequency, diversity, and content of university students' positive and negative sexual cognitions. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 8(1), 17-30.

Strassberg, D. S., & Lockerd, L. K. (1998). Force in women's sexual fantasies. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 27(4), 403-414.

Dr. Toni Bear is a sexologist and coach with a doctoral degree in multicultural education, specializing in sexual orientation and stigmatization. A former professor of gender & sexuality studies, Dr. Bear helps women move past surviving to thriving sexually through her unique Awakening Blueprint process. Combining academic expertise with personal experience as a survivor, she creates safe spaces where women can explore fantasies without shame, develop confidence and clarity, and create the sex life of their dreams.