Redefining Virginity: Why What You Learned May Not Serve Your Kids

Let’s just say it: most of us were taught that virginity = penis + vagina + wedding ring (optional, depending on your upbringing).

And for Millennial women—especially those who are now raising Gen Z teens—this outdated definition is no longer just irrelevant, it’s harmful.

We’re parenting a generation who doesn’t just question our sexual scripts—they’re rewriting them entirely.

And we can’t guide them through something we haven’t questioned ourselves.

The Big Myth We Grew Up With

For decades, virginity was used as a moral measuring stick, mostly for girls. Lose it “too soon,” and you’re reckless. Wait “too long,” and you’re repressed. Either way, your worth was on the line.

Let’s call that what it is: a trap.

Sex educators like Dr. Lisa Wade, author of American Hookup, have long argued that virginity is a cultural concept, not a biological one (Wade, 2017). There is no universal medical or emotional marker that determines the moment someone becomes “not a virgin.” Yet, many of us internalized this rigid definition anyway—and judged ourselves by it.

Here’s What Gen Z Is Teaching Us

Today’s teens and young adults—our kids—are flipping the script. Many don’t even use the word “virginity.” They see it as outdated, heteronormative, and completely irrelevant to their real lives.

In a 2021 survey by the Kinsey Institute, 59% of Gen Z respondents said they don’t believe virginity should be defined solely by penile-vaginal intercourse (Herbenick et al., 2021). That number jumps higher among LGBTQ+ youth, many of whom say their first sexual experiences don’t fit that mold at all.

Instead of asking, “Have you done it yet?” they’re asking:

• “Did I feel safe?”

• “Did I want it?”

• “Was it mutual?”

• “Does it feel meaningful?”

Now that’s a better set of questions.

Why This Matters for Moms

If we don’t address our own sexual conditioning, we risk passing down shame disguised as silence.

Brené Brown writes that “shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgment” (Brown, 2012). Virginity culture gave us all three—and many of us have carried it quietly into motherhood.

You might not say anything directly about sex, but your body language, tone, or discomfort says everything. And Gen Z kids? They’re experts at reading subtext.

If we want to raise kids who are confident, safe, and self-aware in their sexual decisions, we need to do the inner work to unlearn what no longer serves us—and them.

From Shame to Clarity: The New Questions We Can Ask

Instead of asking our daughters, “Are you still a virgin?”—a question that’s both intrusive and irrelevant—what if we opened space for curiosity?

Try asking:

• “Do you know what you want and what you’re not ready for?”

• “Do you feel like you can talk to me about anything without fear of judgment?”

• “What are your values around intimacy right now?”

These questions require courage, not control.

And they begin with one more: What do I believe about sex and intimacy—and where did that belief come from?

The Bottom Line

Gen Z is redefining virginity—and it’s time we caught up.
Let’s stop handing them a story about sex that’s rooted in control, fear, and silence.

Let’s hand them one rooted in agency, emotional safety, and truth.

That starts with us.

🔖 References:

• Wade, L. (2017). American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus. W.W. Norton & Company.

• Herbenick, D., Fu, T.-C., & Bowling, J. (2021). Sexual Behaviors and Attitudes Among U.S. Gen Z Youth. Kinsey Institute.

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery.